allow me to introduce myselves.

i'm bloody complicated.

i suppose i'm what walt whitman would classify as a multitude. dom, among others, often tells me how much i change around other people. it's not that i'm two-faced - god no, that would be way too simple. i've just got all these bits of myself that jostle for dominance, and being around certain people allows certain bits to win out for a while. in a way i do have two of me - there's jo, who writes sometimes beautiful but self-indulgent prose that she sometimes shows to the world and almost always wants to. she watches the sky change and wonders what everybody else is thinking.whenever the phone rings she has a little frission of fear that the caller bears terrible news, and she has a knack of seeing the good in people that has the unfortunate side effect of falling in love a little too easily. way too easily.

then there's holly, who always gives herself a cheeky smile when she catches sight of herself in the mirror. she thrives off the attention jo's writing brings, but secretly wonders if they deserve all the nice things people say about them. she kisses a lot of boys, not worrying about the effect this has on jo's heart and self-esteem, and is often pleased but not overly surprised when she attracts them easily. (after all, she's fabulous.) she hugs people she feels affection for, laughs loudly at what she finds funny, and hoards memories like photos, even though it is only ever jo who pores over them, cringing, giggling, sometimes brushing away tears of regret or nostalgia. holly flings, twirls, leaps, throws, clutches, dives, whoops, sings, dances, cries, shouts shakespeare quotes to the night, and likes to think she doesn't do anything by halves, even though she's not sure how true this is. she smokes - much to jo's disgust - and in a way quite enjoys it, although she dislikes the fag-smell on her fingers the next morning. she craves fame and certain kinds of power, but not as much as she fears misery, boredom, stagnation, being average and uninteresting and forgettable. she's really only jo with more energy, but the main difference is that jo is a lot more honest with herself.

that was taken straight from a diary entry i wrote not long ago. just thought i'd share it. it tells u a little more about me than i'd really want you to admit to either of myselves, i guess, but then nobody reads this thing anyway.
sigh.

saw garden state on monday. cried twice. fell in love with zach braff and the soundtrack. (i love the shins. they will change your life.) afterwards went to the ladies' and looked myself in the mirror for several minutes, dying to go and do something amazing. spent the train trip home staring out the window listening to death cab and south and feeling introspective and suspended.

also on monday, had my college interview. felt so adult talking to the principal of st andrews in my demurely long skirt, describing the kind of difficulties my ADD causes me and telling him all about outback, talking about why co-ed education is important and revealing my intention to take part in a student exchange to europe while at uni. (jo hasn't said so much all at once in a long time. holly mostly kept her mouth shut, thank god.) at the end he practically handed me a key to the front door. a lot rides on my UAI but i was fairly confident afterwards. next year just keeps getting closer.

excited, but a tiny little bit apprehensive.

current music: pink bullets - the shins